Ruined Forever
by Schmidster8
Summary: Kendall and Logan haven't spoken in sixteen years. That all changes when Kendall's daughter ends up on Logan's doorstep, wondering about the man in her baby pictures. This is a plot bunny filled as a Christmas present. It's also Kogan! Enjoy (:


Merry Christmas, Rae! A quick story from a plot bunny on Rae's tumblr. I hope she enjoys, and I hope you do, too!  
I do not own Big Time Rush, the show, the music, the boys, anything. None of it is mine.

Kendall's daughter (or son if you prefer) decides to run away from home and winds up at the front door of Logan's apartment.

* * *

Kendall loved her brown eyes. They were so warm and he found he could get lost in them quite easily. He could get so lost that everything around him would fall and all he could see are her chocolate eyes and wavy brown hair. He couldn't see anything else or hear anything else. Maybe that's why she left. Maybe he wasn't listening enough. But he couldn't help it. He loved his daughter so much, and of course everything she said mattered to him, but sometimes he couldn't get over the fact that she looked just like_ him_. If it weren't for the obvious biological obstacle, Kendall would've sworn that he was Ashley's other parent, not the girl who left when she realized the mistake she had made.

Kendall snapped himself out of his daydream and frantically searched the house. She wasn't in her room, she wasn't in the tv room, she wasn't on the computer. He didn't know what to do next. Sending texts and calling her friends was awkward, right? Oh well. He did that, too. According to everyone else, she was home in bed, sleeping.

So he moved onto his friends. Carlos and James hadn't seen her. Although he figured that would be the case since they had a romantic weekend planned. He apologized for interrupting and moved on. Jo and Lucy hadn't seen her or heard from her. They could only hear the cries of their new daughter and Kendall hung up when the baby's cries turned to screams. Their daughter hadn't seen her either.

Gustavo and Kelly didn't even know he had a daughter now, his mother was in a different state altogether and his brothers were visiting the Great Wall. He called his neighbors, but he only received angry slurs about parenting alone and getting help and the time. It's a typical thing to assume of a teenager at two in the morning. Everyone's asleep in bed at two in the morning. Except she wasn't.

Who was left to ask? Kendall decided then that he needed some more friends.

He was reaching for the phone to call the police when it rang. The sudden noise shocked him a bit and he jumped back, not expecting it to ring at that moment. He picked it up and saw an unfamiliar number. Maybe she was lost and needed to use a payphone.

"Ashley?" Kendall slapped a hand over his mouth after he screamed into the phone.

"No. It's me. She's here."

Kendall's heart stopped, dropped to his stomach and then fell to the floor. The air rushed from his lungs and he froze.

"Kendall, man. You still there?"

"Ye-yeah. I'm here. Uh.." Kendall felt like an idiot. He should be asking about Ashley, not getting all tripped up just because she found_ him_.

"She's alright. She's safe. Nothing bad happened."

"I'll be right there. Do _not_ let her out of your sight."

The phone slammed onto the holder and Kendall was grabbing his coat and keys faster than you can say uncle. The door slammed shut and he was in his car on the way to an apartment he hadn't seen in sixteen years.

-/-

He took a few deep breaths and lightly tapped on the door.

Chocolate eyes and brown hair opened the door. Not his daughter's though. Logan's. But who else would open the door to Logan's apartment? Kendall mentally kicked himself for the dumb thought and passed by Logan with a nod and a smile when he was waved inside.

Ashley was sitting on the couch, hot cocoa in hand and wearing a smirk that she was proud of.

Kendall swiftly crossed the small living room and pulled her into his arms.

"Where have you been? What were you thinking? I was worried sick! I called everyone an-"

"You mean you called James and Carlos, Grandma, Kevin and Ken?"

"Yes. That's why I said everyone."

"You need more friends, Dad."

Kendall heard a chuckle come from behind him and turned to see Logan grinning at the banter the two. He shot Logan a sarcastic _thankyousomuchforhelping_ smirk and turned back to his daughter.

"I'm glad you're okay, but you're grounded. One month, no discussion."

"That's fine."

"I don't want to he-wait, what? What is going on here?" Kendall felt the paranoia settle in. "You never accept punishments. Why are you still smiling? What is going on?"

Kendall's eyes shifted between Logan and Ashley. They were both grinning like idiots and Kendall began frantically wiping his face. _Was there food or something on it?_

"Kendall," He hadn't heard Logan say his name in such a long time. Kendall thought he was dreaming. "Everything's fine. There's nothing on your face either, so you can stop that."

"Yeah, dad. Everything's fine," Ashley stood up and placed her now cold cocoa on the table. "I'll go get in the car. You should stay an-"

"No, no it's late," Logan insisted. "I'm sure you guys need to sort out that punishment."

Kendall's eyebrows furrowed at the slip between Logan and Ashley. He let it go and turned to his daughter.

"Car. Now."

Ashley saluted him, thanked Logan for his help and went to the car. Kendall stood in the living room and looked at Logan again.

"Thank you. I don't know why she came here. I mean no offense, but I didn't think she remembered you."

Logan laughed. "It's alright. I didn't think she did either. I hardly recognized her, but God, she sounds just like you. She's got your eyebrows, too."

"Poor kid."

They laughed at Kendall's comment and when their smiles fell, they stood staring at each other. Kendall missed this a lot more than he thought. He missed Logan's laugh, his smile, his mouth, his eyes, his everything. He missed Logan.

When he felt that he was overstaying his welcome, Kendall nodded at the front window, looking at Ashley's face lit by the light of her cell phone.

"I should get going. Thank you again."

"It's not a problem." Logan looked out the window to Ashley, still smiling at her phone. "Are you sure you don't want to give her a few more minutes to enjoy her phone before you take it away?"

Kendall looked at Logan, shocked. Why was he stalling? Did he want Kendall to stay? Kendall thought Logan hated him. Their relationship came _thisclose_ to ending when Kendall slept with a woman at an away game. It had gotten better when Ashley was born and it was almost perfect when Logan held Ashley in his arms for the first time. But the lack of trust was still there. The uneasiness was still there. The tension of the past was still there. So Logan stopped coming by to see Ashley as often as he once had. His texts and calls to Kendall stopped coming as frequently. Kendall stopped wondering where Logan was when Ashley began to demand his full attention. They grew apart, and as much as Kendall hated it, he couldn't give up on Ashley. Besides, he still got to see Logan's eyes and stroke Logan's hair, even if it was his daughter. Ashley was still like Logan. So Kendall made it through, but he would be a liar if he said he never thought about what it would be like to come to bed and see Logan after he tucked Ashley in for the night.

Kendall let his eyes fall to the floor as he realized that he lost the right to fantasize about those things when he stopped pursuing Logan all those years ago.

"I'm so sorry, Logan."

Kendall looked up again, hoping Logan knew he wasn't just apologizing for tonight. His heart ached when he saw Logan's crooked smile he used to get. This time, though, it was a little more broken, a little less meaningful.

"It's okay, Kendall. It wasn't just you." Logan sounded mournful. Kendall hated it.

"I should've done more. I should've called you, wrote you, found you. Things could be so different now."

"But you didn't. I didn't either. It isn't just you. I left you to raise her on your own because I couldn't get over it. I'm the sorry one, Ken. I really am."

Kendall stepped forward to reach out to Logan, who had taken a step back. Kendall reached to rest a hand on Logan's shoulder, but Logan jerked his shoulder away.

"Logan, I-"

"I think Ash has had enough time to say goodbye," Kendall's broken eyes met Logan's watery ones. "I think we all have."

Logan moved out from between Kendall and the wall, blinking furiously as he opened the front door. Kendall shuffled past him awkwardly and walked down the steps to his car.

He started it and looked at Ashley.

"You're in so much trouble."

-/-

The ride home that night was a quiet one. Ashley tried to explain herself, but she wasn't allowed. Kendall needed the silence to process what had just happened. Ashley needed the silence to write her apology in her head, since she clearly wasn't going to get the chance to say it out loud.  
They had gotten home late. Kendall locked the door and went to bed, assuming-hoping-Ashley did the same. She did, but not before she wrote down her thoughts.

_Dear Dad,_

_I'm sorry I left. I honestly didn't think you'd figure it out until the morning. Props to you for that. _

_I needed to find Logan. I needed to know who the man in my baby pictures was, how you knew him, what he was to us and why he wasn't around anymore. James and Carlos were no help. They always said he was an old friend and I should ask you. But whenever I got up the nerve to talk to you, it would be too late. You always had this glazed look on your face, like you were living in a memory. You may have been looking me in the eye, but you never heard me. Now I'm starting to think that I should've started out with the topic of Logan instead of dancing around it for the first five minutes of our conversations._

_But anyways, last night. I was going through my baby book and I found a note from Logan. It was next to a picture of us. He was sitting in a hospital room, smiling at me and you were smiling at him. I flipped it over and saw a note that simply said '_Take care of him, Ash. He needs you._'_

_What does that even mean? You can't honestly think I would read that and not do anything about it. I mean come on. I'm your daughter._ _So I called Grandma and described the picture. She took it. She remembered it perfectly. She told me that Logan was in Big Time Rush with you and she hadn't heard about him since I was like, one, or something. She also told me that you were really close. That you loved Logan and he loved you too. That you two were so happy. That you were supposed to spend forever together. I'm sorry I ruined forever, Dad._

_I wanted to tell Logan I was sorry too. I looked him up and went over. I swear when he opened that door he almost shat himself. (Sorry for swearing. I'll put a dollar in the jar tomorrow.) He looked like he saw a ghost. When I spoke, I thought he was going to pass out._

_Anyways, he got me some hot chocolate and sat me on his couch. He sat in the chair like a perfect gentleman. I can see why you loved him. I told him I was Kendall Knight's daughter and I showed him the picture with the note. _

_He just said that he was an old friend and that I should ask you. So I didn't push (I'll actually be taking that dollar out of the jar because I stopped myself from meddling.) and then he called you._

_I didn't mean to cause any trouble. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for ruining the forever everyone wanted you to have. I'm sorry that you have to live here alone. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to return the love you have to give. I'm also not saying this to be rude, I just want you to have someone. You deserve it, and I ruined it. And I'm sorry. And I wanted to let Logan know I was sorry._

_I do love you though. I love you more than anyone and I am so grateful you're my Dad and my best friend._

_We'll discuss that punishment in the morning. One month is a long time for a ten minute drive to an old friend's, don't you think?_

_I love you._  
_Ash_

-/-

Kendall read the note that was attached to his coffeemaker in the morning. He made another cup and went into Ashley's room. Luckily for the both of them, she was in there.

He set the mug down on her bedside table and when she began to stir, Kendall sat on the edge of her bed.

"Morning, Dad."

"You didn't ruin forever, sweetheart. I did."

Ashley laughed a little bit. What a way to wake up.

"So you got my note then?" Ashley questioned and took a sip of the warm caffeine.

"Yes, I got your note. I love you, too. So much. We will not be discussing the month of house arrest. You will put a dollar in the swear jar and you can add fifty cents too because you may not have meddled, but you did cause some trouble."

Ashley sighed at her father's checklist of things to talk about. When she was sure he had them all, she opened her mouth to ask about the forever that he had ruined.

Kendall knew it was coming though, and placed a finger over his mouth. She went along with it, sat up and held her mug in her lap, ready for story time.

"Lastly, and longestly," Kendall added in a questioning tone. As a lyricist, thinking of new words and phrases was second nature. "You didn't ruin forever. I did. Sixteen years ago, I was a player for the Minnesota Wild. We had an away game and I mistakenly slept with your mother. When I came home and told Logan, he was devastated. Our relationship was hanging on by a thin string and it broke when your mother contacted me to tell me she was pregnant with you. But when we found out she didn't want to keep you, Logan was your advocate. He pleaded with her to do the nine months and said that he and I would do the rest of your life. He helped me baby proof this place. He helped with names, building cribs, finding the right food, parenting classes. And in that time our relationship was being built back up from the ground. When you were born and he held you for the first time, I thought that was it. I thought that was the end of the fighting and the uncomfortableness. I thought we were going to be a happy family."

"Dad, you don't ha-"

Kendall wiped away a stray tear that had fallen from his misty eyes and shook his head.

"Yes I do have to. You should know about the man who helped raise you."

Ashley handed her father a box of Kleenex and doubtedly rolled her eyes when he declined.

"Anyways, sweety, you were a handful, but all newborns are. We were sleep deprived and stressed out and we kept saying things that needed to be said. We would also take those things back after two minutes because they were too much to be said at the time. But then we stopped talking as much. He didn't come over as much, he got busier at work. At night after I tucked you in, I would want to call him, but instead I would use my exhaustion or the time or any other chores I needed to do as an excuse so that I didn't have to hear the pain in his voice when we spoke. I didn't know what to do to make it up to him. I don't think he wanted me to. So I continued to be your single father. He became a doctor. And before I knew it, sixteen years had passed before I was standing on his front porch again."

Ashley sniffled and then laughed when her father handed her the Kleenex meant for him. She was pulled into her father's strong arms.

Kendall kissed the top of her hair and added, "I'm sorry for zoning out. There's so much of Logan in your eyes and hair. Sometimes I would get lost."

"You're always lost. You have been lost for sixteen years, Dad."

Kendall pulled away and looked at his daughter, a little bit confused. "Excuse me, young lady?"

"Dad. You're supposed to be with Logan! Everyone wanted you to have your forever. Hell, I don't even know Logan and I want you to have that forever. You said it yourself, it's been sixteen years! Don't you think it's worth it to at least try with Logan? I can't handle you walking around this house alone anymore. I know you're happy. I just want you to be in love and happy. Happier, if you will. I know you miss Logan, Dad. Grandma's never spoken about anyone the way she did about you two. It's time to get your best friend back."

"Ash, I have my best friend. She's right here."

"Ugh, ok enough of that. You know what I mean."

Kendall smiled as pride overwhelmed him. He and Logan did a nice job with Ashley. He kissed her cheek and flew out the door to his car. Realizing he left his keys in the apartment, he ran back up and shouted to Ashley before he left to get Logan.

"Put another dollar in the jar, sweety! 'Hell' is only acceptable when studying the bible and I know you haven't been doing that! Love you!"

-/-

Logan started laughing when he opened the door to Kendall. "I haven't seen or heard from you in sixteen years. Then I'm graced with your presence twice in less than twelve hours. Funny how that happens."

"We have to talk."

Logan nodded and let Kendall inside. He sat on his couch while Kendall began to pace around the small living room before stopping in front of Logan.

"I didn't want to say goodbye sixteen years ago. I don't think I even did. And I definitely didn't want to say goodbye last night. I know it's been forever, and I know so much has changed and that you're probably with someone now and you're happy, but give us a chance. I know I ruined our forever a long time ago, but give me a chance to fix it. I have to fix it. I can't go another day, let alone another sixteen years, without you. I can't. I-I won't."

Kendall closed the gap between the two men and felt his nerves combust at the contact. He was desperate for Logan. When Logan's hands wrapped themselves around Kendall's neck and his lips bit down on Kendall's, he was a goner. He definitely couldn't be without Logan again, not after this. So he pulled the doctor closer, licked along those full lips and explored the mouth he missed so much. And when they were breathless, he pulled away and looked into Logan's smiling eyes.

"I wasn't actually happy until five minutes ago, Kendall. I think I tricked my mind into think that I was. I'm not with anyone either. I was waiting for you." Logan grinned as his eyes fell from Kendall's eyes, across his nose and lips and down to his chin, admiring everything about the man he continued to love. "I was waiting to start our forever."

Kendall smiled like an idiot and pulled Logan back into a searing kiss.

They had boxes to pack up and move, they had promises to make to each other, they had adoption papers to sign. But none of that mattered right now. Besides, they had forever.


End file.
